


Hearts in the Byline

by Inky_Pens



Category: Shadow and Bone (TV), The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mentions Of Infidelity, big sad, mal who
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:02:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky_Pens/pseuds/Inky_Pens
Summary: What could have been, and what never was.
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova & Alina Starkov, The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	Hearts in the Byline

**Author's Note:**

> **Remember lyric fics? They were all the rage in 2005-2008. I would know; I was there.**
> 
> **Many of my works have been heavily influenced by a song that serves as a framework for that story, but I don't incorporate the lyrics so literally. In this story's case, I felt like the addition punctuated the scene breaks nicely, so I kept them.**
> 
> **Taylor Swift’s “tolerate it”/evermore**
> 
> **Don't worry; it's not a format I will be repeating in the near future. No one needs the next smutty Darklina oneshot narrated by Harry Styles.**

_I sit and watch you reading with your head low  
_ _I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed  
_ _I sit and watch you  
_ _And notice everything you do or don’t do  
_ _You’re so much older and wiser and I--_

The first 100 years were easy. Easier than it should have been. She hardly thought of the people she lost on the Fold in their final battle, and most of that was Aleksander’s doing. He kept her busy early on and made her integral to the shared responsibility of rebuilding Ravka. He asked for her opinions. He allowed her to lead missions into Fjerda that led to the collapse of the Ice Court, freeing the Grisha that had been burned alive at best and used for grotesque experimentation at worst. She was his equal, and they fit together because they were made for each other. The symbiotic nature of light and dark was unmatched for whatever forces challenged them for the throne, and there were many in that first century. Still, it had been so easy to love him and lose herself in the surety of that love.

 _I wait by the door like I’m just a kid  
_ _Use my best colors for your portrait  
_ _Lay the table with the fancy shit  
_ _And watch you tolerate it_

The next century was quieter. Everyone Alina knew in her previous life had died, with the exceptions of the monster Nikolai and Zoya. Zoya was kept subdued as a General of the Ravkan Army, but she had grown tired and weary. 

Meanwhile, Alina felt as strong as ever, and Aleksander showed no signs of slowing. He was conquering Shu-Han on his own this time, with their formidable army of course, and Alina stayed behind to manage the new Grisha education and training initiative. It would be improper for the Queen of Ravka to become headmistress, Aleksander had reminded her several times, but as she didn’t have kids of her own, Alina could be seen around the renovated Little Palace often. When Aleksander was gone, which was also often these days, she provided lessons much in the way Baghra had taught her to embrace her power as part of her. The second Aleksander came through the gates of Ravka, however, she was on him in what could only be described as an embarrassing display of affections--kisses to his face, a dining table overflowing with pastries, displays of her recent drawings and paintings all featuring him. He’d chided her for the overindulgence, but this was their routine. 

And if the thrill of their marriage had settled into something more familiar, then Alina took that as a sign that they were meant to have their forever. 

_I greet you with a battle hero’s welcome  
_ _I take your indiscretions all in good fun  
_ _I sit and listen, I polish plates until they gleam and glisten  
_ _You’re so much older and wiser and I--_

In their third century, Aleksander tried to conquer Kerch, a small island maintained by debauchery and corrupt trade, funded by a wealth that should be impossible for such a small country. It was an undertaking that required longer absences, and though they still had their bond to keep them connected, Alina had relied on it sparingly as she had accidentally stumbled into a few more...unsavory dalliances her husband had been caught in.

“Alina, it means nothing, you know that,” he told her the first time when he found her crying in their bed after disconnecting from their bond. “I have loved you for three hundred years. I will love you for a lifetime.”

He’d come home two days later, the fastest he could fly from Ketterdam using one of their newer inventions that would have made the last Lantsov heir proud. Then he made love to her, slow and steady, promise after promise that she was his only, that no one would ever mean more than her. They continued into the next morning, and he took her in multiple rooms, uttering more reassurances that had her feeling silly about her overreaction. What were a few women--or men--in their forever?

 _While you were out building other worlds, where was I?  
_ _Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over my barbed wire?  
_ _I made you my temple, my mural, my sky  
_ _Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life_

After four hundred years, the fractures would turn into chasms. Her breaking point occurred in Keramzin of all places, where Alina was being honored in her official capacity as Sankta Alina, the Sun Summoner Queen. They had attended this ceremony every year, and for the last few hundred years, it was the only time and place Alina felt like her old self again. 

Aleksander had been on The True Sea, getting ready to invade Novyi Zem, the last independent territory. The night before the festivities, Aleksander still hadn’t made it back. She closed her eyes and suddenly appeared in front of him. He sat at a large oak desk in his study on the ship, and after all these years, she still blushed when she recalled the things they did on this desk. The last time she was on the Sea with him, maybe a century before, he had buried himself between her legs for hours. She had been so slick with sweat that they both toppled over the desk and landed on the unforgiving floor, laughing as he continued thrusting into her.

_You assume I’m fine, but what would you do if I?_

But she was not here to revisit happier times. “Aleksander,” she called, even though she needn't have. They could always sense the other in their bond. 

He didn’t look up. “Alina, now is not a good time.”

She was stricken. He had never shunned her before. “Make time,” she growled. 

Over 400 years, they had lost their tempers at one another countless times, but Aleksander had the good sense to pick up his head at his wife’s tone. 

“You were supposed to be in Keramzin by now.”

He sighed. “The timing is unfortunate, I understand, but we are at an opportunity we have not had in decades. Novyi Zem will be ours by the week’s end.”

“And? Your _wife_ asked for your presence at an important ceremony--,” she pointedly ignored his scoff, “which you have not missed in over four hundred years. Leave the army to do what they are trained to do. You don’t need to be there.” 

“I don’t need to be _there_ either. This is an annual celebration in your honor, Alina, not mine. I’m sure I can be forgiven for missing the occasion for the first time in--what was it you said? Over _four hundred years_?”

Her bottom lip began to tremble. “This is important to me. You know it is.”

Aleksander’s cold gray eyes softened to a placating but resolute stare. “This is important, too, Alina. We have been working towards this for so long.”

“Why do you need Novyi Zem so badly, Aleksander? Leave it. Leave it and come home.”

“You’re behaving like a child, Alina.”

He might as well have struck her. She reeled back, heat blooming across her face in a rage. “Is what we have not enough?! Everything I have given you, all of my time, all of my obedience, all of my love. I had _friends_ , Aleksander. I once had friends that I loved and who loved me. Mal was as close to family as I would ever know, and I gave him up. I lost all of them for you! When will it be enough?!”

She ignored the knocking at her door from her guards. They were not permitted to enter unless the circumstances were dire, but fighting with her husband was hardly a new event. Still, she lowered her voice to avoid further interruption. 

“I have nothing left to give you but forever, Aleksander.”

 _Break free and leave us in ruins  
_ _Took this dagger in me and removed it  
_ _Gain the weight of you, then lose it  
_ _Believe me, I could do it_

**Present day.**

For weeks leading up to the final battle on the Fold, Alina had dreams she had never spoken about. Some nights they felt like premonitions of a future that felt so certain. She didn’t know of any Grisha who could see the future, but then, she didn’t know of any other Sun Summoners either. The night before the final battle was the strongest dream yet, and she woke up in Mal’s arms crying for a life that was not yet hers.

When the time came, she thought she would be stronger. But maybe it was the relief in his eyes the moment she turned the blade on him. The way it shone through the quartz grey irises that the boy had become a man too soon, too violently, stopped her just before she pushed too far. 

Or maybe it was the way he pressed his forehead to hers and said, “We could have ruled the world together.”

And gods, did she want to. How easy it all could have been to settle down into eternity with him. 

Tears poured freely down her cheeks, and the Darkling cupped her face in his warm hands to catch them. “Could you have loved me?” he asked.

“More than myself,” she whispered against his lips. There was a palpable devastation between them with the admission. 

“Yes, I think so, too.”

He gave her one final kiss to her lips, and she knew she would commit the feeling to memory for the rest of her life. 

_If it’s all in my head, tell me now  
_ _Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow_  
_I know my love should be celebrated  
_ _But you tolerate it_


End file.
